I’ve been working with financial professionals for a number of years and one of the subjects that comes up consistently is how to handle couples who are in conflict over money.
As a Certified Couples Money Coach, this is where some of the most interesting and amazing conversations take place. But it’s also an area that scares most people, especially when your training is numbers based, not emotions based.
As well as having written various blogs on couples, I also have a training programme for planners and advisers. Here are some of the ideas from the training:
Firstly, while it may appear that couples are fighting over money, they’re usually arguing about different beliefs, feelings, values and attitudes. Beliefs, feelings, values and attitudes are not numbers-based; they are emotion based. You can’t use logic – or numbers – to solve an issue that is not logic-based. Because money pervades every area of our lives, it appears to be about money, but it’s not. When arguments about what to spend money on devolve into numbers, it appears that there may be a ‘right’ answer. But that usually disenfranchises one of the parties because values and beliefs can’t be distilled into a monetary figure. It’s worth bearing in mind that there are usually many valid points of view.
Secondly, while you’re looking to learn about handling couples and money, it’s really important to recognise that you already know a lot about how couples handle money. This knowledge comes from your childhood experiences, from the behaviours that were modelled for you when you were growing up. Ask yourself:
‘What did I learn about how financial challenges are discussed and solved?’
‘What did I learn about how couples communicate around money’
‘What did I learn about money and responsibility?’
There are 2 reasons why it’s important to understand this subconscious inheritance:
Firstly, the best way to understand others, is by understanding yourself. What I mean here is that the process of understanding yourself – what you believe, and how and why you believe what you believe – gives you a path to understanding other people; what they believe and how and why they believe it.
Secondly, your beliefs are the lens through which you experience your interactions with others. This means that, if you find yourself in a situation with a couple in conflict (or even if they’re not in open conflict), you will subconsciously side with the person whose view most closes matches your own. And when that happens you will find it impossible to help both parties. Only with self-awareness can you put aside your own biases and be truly independent.
Dealing with couples in conflict can feel difficult. One of the reasons they are in conflict is because they have not been able to have a money conversation where both parties have felt, seen, heard and understood. Helping them to resolve that conflict means you are going to have to facilitate the conversation that they never have had.
Scary, but totally possible with the right guidance.
Why go there?
Figuring out how to engage couples effectively becomes a really big deal for financial planning done well. Aligned couples will engage much better with the planning process. They interact more and plan more. You don’t have to worry that they will go home, have a fight and never move forward.
But, more importantly than that, imagine if you could create a space where they could learn things about each other that they have never known, and would never know because they didn’t ask?
What if you could support the conversations that they were never able to have?
How do you think they would feel about you if you could do that for them?
Book a call now to learn more.
